"A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires." - Woody Allen
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'." - Woody Allen
"And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room." - Woody Allen
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on." - Woody Allen
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats." - Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen
"Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak." - Woody Allen
"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue." - Woody Allen
"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen
"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down." - Woody Allen
"Eighty percent of success is showing up." - Woody Allen
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it." - Woody Allen
"He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian." - Woody Allen
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy." - Woody Allen
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" - Woody Allen
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." - Woody Allen
"I am two with nature." - Woody Allen
"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government." - Woody Allen
"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear." - Woody Allen
"I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her." - Woody Allen
"I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot." - Woody Allen
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib." - Woody Allen
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." - Woody Allen
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height." - Woody Allen
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers." - Woody Allen
"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys." - Woody Allen
"I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!" - Woody Allen
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." - Woody Allen
"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice." - Woody Allen
"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats." - Woody Allen
"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia." - Woody Allen
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'" - Woody Allen
"I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night." - Woody Allen
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." - Woody Allen
"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me." - Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead." - Woody Allen
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse." - Woody Allen
"I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member." - Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen
"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." - Woody Allen
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." - Woody Allen
"I've never been an intellectual but I have this look." - Woody Allen
"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever." - Woody Allen
"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right." - Woody Allen
"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job." - Woody Allen
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." - Woody Allen
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." - Woody Allen
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative." - Woody Allen
"In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows." - Woody Allen
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." - Woody Allen
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." - Woody Allen
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things." - Woody Allen
"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." - Woody Allen
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune." - Woody Allen
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." - Woody Allen
"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies." - Woody Allen
"It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune." - Woody Allen
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen
"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." - Woody Allen
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable." - Woody Allen
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon." - Woody Allen
"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions." - Woody Allen
"Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun." - Woody Allen
"Marriage is the death of hope." - Woody Allen
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." - Woody Allen
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Woody Allen
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all." - Woody Allen
"My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker." - Woody Allen
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else." - Woody Allen
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again." - Woody Allen
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday." - Woody Allen
"Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats." - Woody Allen
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ." - Woody Allen
"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies." - Woody Allen
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." - Woody Allen
"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up." - Woody Allen
"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic." - Woody Allen
"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman." - Woody Allen
"Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously." - Woody Allen
"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing." - Woody Allen
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best." - Woody Allen
"She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak." - Woody Allen
"Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it." - Woody Allen
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words." - Woody Allen
"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness." - Woody Allen
"The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson." - Woody Allen
"The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife-a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held." - Woody Allen
"The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey." - Woody Allen
"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen
"The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small." - Woody Allen
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep." - Woody Allen
"The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right." - Woody Allen
"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have." - Woody Allen
"The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants." - Woody Allen
"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." - Woody Allen
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" - Woody Allen
"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." - Woody Allen
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once." - Woody Allen
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." - Woody Allen
"Tradition is the illusion of permanance." - Woody Allen
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" - Woody Allen
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room." - Woody Allen
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back." - Woody Allen
"Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen." - Woody Allen
"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?" - Woody Allen
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." - Woody Allen
