"And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do," but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that. " - Eddie Izzard
"Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). " - Eddie Izzard
"I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die. " - Eddie Izzard
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. " - Eddie Izzard
"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. " - Eddie Izzard
"I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!" " - Eddie Izzard
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. " - Eddie Izzard
"I'm a one-man idiot. " - Eddie Izzard
"Never put a sock in a toaster. " - Eddie Izzard
"Performing enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play to you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance. " - Eddie Izzard
"So my choice is 'Or Death?'. " - Eddie Izzard
"So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel! " - Eddie Izzard
"There's a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn't say, "I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole." " - Eddie Izzard
"They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' " - Eddie Izzard
"Twang him into a tree! " - Eddie Izzard
"You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for. " - Eddie Izzard
"You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants. " - Eddie Izzard
